Life is becoming more and more complicated. It has overwhelmed and confused us. I have become impatient, violent, impulsive and hateful of life and people.
I have one goal right now: to leave Syria as soon as possible. There are many reasons why I have adopted this goal, but the most important of them is that I cannot realize any of my dreams here. For a long time, I convinced myself that Syria was my country and I should stay, but, unfortunately, it is not a country anymore. It is a group of gangs that ravage people without mercy. What can I say? I am fed up. Our bad financial situation aggravates my mother and her attitude toward us. Our life has recently shifted dramatically. I believe that my family is on the brink of destruction and loss. My teenage brother is giving us a hard time. My little sister expresses her rejection of our bitter reality by being stubborn and reckless, and our other sister just got married to escape from the whole situation.
After taking many computer courses, my mother finally found a job, but, unfortunately, it did not last – the working hours were too long and the pay was not enough to even cover our rent. She has been trying really hard to improve our situation, but all her efforts have been in vain.
I have to find a way to help my mother. I have not been able to help from here, but if I travel, I might find a good job. The biggest issue that my family faces is money. I never imagined that money was this important. I feel ashamed that money controls people’s lives, decisions and dreams, but this is the reality that I cannot ignore any more. Lack of money overwhelmed my mother, forced my sister to get married and travel, and forced me to quit my studies to work.
I will travel. It does not matter whether it happens legally or illegally. I know that my family needs me with them, but I also know that I can help them better if I find the right opportunity.
I hate this war and I hate the death that surrounds us and takes away our beloveds, one after the other. I hate the death that recently took my dear friend, when her neighborhood was shelled.
I was stronger at the beginning, but the war has drained me dry. It looks like I cannot continue. I have lost the energy to keep trying again. I believe that it is time for me to leave.